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| Scenario: |
Mazda Death Plunge |
| Appeared: |
Website |
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November/Early December '99 |
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| Once again we present the wacky
adventures of Timmy: The hermitic, hermaphroditic, club-footed Legionnaire’s
Disease carrier suffering from Tourette’s syndrome that The Mules &
Vaughn staff have taken under their wing and grown to love. With
just a little prodding, (and more than a little electroshock therapy) we
were able to persuade Timmy to go for the record in shoving something Large
and unique up his ass. We at M&V wish him luck and continued
success, and may all his penetrations be pleasant ones! |
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This Issue’s Featured Object:
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| This is Oliver Clothesoff
for CNNSESAMESESTREET, reporting to you live from the scene of one of the
world's worst disasters! Not since the Mondale campaign of '84 has
someone taken it in the ass as badly as Timmy Johannson. Timmy,
a "resident" of the Shady Pines Home of Greater Wisconsin was drastically
injured while pulling off a stunt for his normal activity, a part-time
employee of M&V Online. |
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 The
Steps This Was Supposed To Work Out Properly The stunt was to
have an '87 Mazda pickup truck dropped into Timmy's rectum via the
use of a crane and some quote magic faerie dust end quote.
At this time, we don't have full details on what this dust
may
be,
but our testers say it was some good stuff, whatever it may be. |
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| When this reporter tried to contact
Mules
& Vaughn for a report, all I could do was be ignored and even threatened
by various staff members. However, I was able to obtain a secret
M&V
office memo, secretly written on company letterhead from the Jackass Acres
Bar & Grill of New River, Arizona. The memo may shock you; so,
if you have a weak anus or are a complete retard, you may want to click
here. |
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| The memo is hand scrawled, and if
you translate it...you will see that someone wanted to end the career
of Timmy, The Anal Volunteer. |
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| Dear (Name Protected), |
| We here at Mules & Vaughn
wanted to greatly appreciate your involvement with Timmy the Anal Volunteer
and all of his endeavors. However, we are not currently seeking future
replacements for our anal wunderkind at this time. We've put your
resume on file, and will get back to you in a drunken stupor when we find
it necessary to a) replace Timmy or b) supplement him by having an
anal wunderkind apprentices. Also, thank you for your idea about
having a webcam surgically placed inside his colon, so we can keep tabs
on what is going on. |
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| Signed, |
| Richard Head |
| Vice President Of Internal Affairs |
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| P.S. There will be no Timmy.com
in the foreseeable future. Sorry. |
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| Now, to the untrained and naked
eye, this is just a fan letter that was written at some yokel bar in Buttnowhere,
Arizona. But to the caffine-intense, Oliver Stone conspiracy yahoo
that I am, I have uncovered what may shock you. The truth.
Perhaps. But, this is just one man's opinions in a nightmarish world
we call, the EZine. |
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| Dear (Name Protected), |
| We here at Mules & Vaughn
wanted to greatly appreciate your involvement with Timmy the Anal
Volunteer and all of his endeavors. However, we are not currently
seeking future replacements for our analwunderkind
at this time.
We've put your
resume on file, and will get back to you in
a drunken stupor when we find it necessary to
a) replace Timmy or b) supplement him by having
an anal wunderkind apprentices. Also, thank
you for your idea about having a webcam surgically
placed inside his colon, so we can keep tabs on what is going on. |
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| Signed, |
| Richard Head |
| Vice President Of Internal Affairs |
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| P.S. There will be no Timmy.com
in the foreseeable future. Sorry. |
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| If you still can't make it out,
it says: |
| We here at mules & Vaughn
wanted to kill him. We've put effort into this. |
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| It's quite apparent that someone
within the Mules & Vaughn global empire wanted to kill
Timmy. Why? Well, it might be speculation about the Y2K bug
and how it will prevent Elvis from walking the Earth like Caine.
Or it just maybe this is another Dateline episode with the exploding
GMC trucks. We don't know at this time. But, damn, if this
doesn't get a Pulitzer or something. |
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| I'm going to end this report by
quoting Timmy Johannson: |
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| This has been Timmy...and I'll
see you...In My Colon! |
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| This reporter has to wonder, why
this happened...and if and when we can see Timmy back in action? |
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| This is Oliver Clothesoff From Phoenix,
Arizona for CNNSESAMESESTREET. |
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| We here at Mules & Vaughn
are in shock over these turn of events, and our worries(we here don't believe
in the Judo-Christian religions, more so in the belief of Elvis...so our
Pelvic thrusts and hip shakes) go out to whomever wants to come forward
and claim Timmy as a family member. All emails should be directed
to here: timmyanal@hotmail.com |
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| But we were able to get a few statements
from Timmy before he was Airvac'ed to a nearby hospital. |
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| Pleasure Rating: |
| Off the fucking scale! |
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| Pain Rating: |
| If I could see... through the tears...
and haze of red...I'd probably score it high,... but then,... the WHOLE
truck... never made it in.... |
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| Pain is kind of Pleasurable Rating: |
| If this is my last act... as an
anal volunteer.... then I have not died in vain... I see think
I've never felt so... good....FUCKING WINDSHIELD WIPERS ARE BATTING MY
ASS! FUCKING HURTS, MAN!!! |
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| Additional Comments: |
| Unfortunately, we don't have a next
month planned. We totally didn't see Timmy landing in the hospital
like he did. Keep looking back here to see what we will be able to
do. |
