blank blank lank Scenario: Elian via iTimmy Appeared: Volume XIV Issue No.  1 lank And again we present the wacky adventures of Timmy; the hermitic, hermaphroditic, club-footed, Legionaries Disease carrier suffering from Tourette's syndrome that the Mules & Vaughn staff have taken under their wing and grown to love.  With just a little prodding, (and more than a little electroshock therapy) we were able to persuade Timmy to go for the new record(each month) in shoving something large and unique up his ass. lank We at M&V wish him luck and continued success, and may all his penetrations be pleasant ones! lank This Month's Item A Timmy Update!  And An Announcement... lank Hello, and welcome to Channel 4 News, I'm Richard Sweat, and as always, my co-host for this evening is a nicely dressed stalker. ank The last week have brought some exciting news to those fans of Timmy the Anal Volunteer.  If you didn't know, he has been released from the hospital and cleared to resume his normal activities.  For more on the situation, we go live to Oliver Clothesoff who is in Miami, Florida. lank lank Thanks Richard!  I'm in Miami, Florida right now, where Timmy has begun a "spring training" if you will.  Here at the Gary Busey Clinic for Repetitive Addictions, Timmy has been training day in and day out.  Inserting and removing items from his ass.  We recently spoke to a trainer, who bragged that Timmy can now take things as large as a grapefruit inside of him without hemorrhaging.  There are strong hopes that Timmy can resume his normal activities come February at the earliest.  Reporting from Miami, Florida, this is Oliver Clothesoff for Channel 4 News. lank lank In other news, the U.S. Government is still torn on what to do with the Cuban raft boy who we don't want to send home yet. However, with our on-going coverage of Timmy The Anal Volunteer, we have to ask. ank How would this situation be confronted if the Cuban boy sailed into Timmy's ass?  Now, we're are news gathering entity, and not two perverted people sitting at a desk who don't wear pants and one of us is highly medicated due to what their parole officer claims "acceptable."  Pssst.  It ain't me! lank lank Anyway, through modern technology and the lonely 17 year old Y2K expert we still have locked in the basement, we have created iTimmy G3, a virtual reality based program that would help us determine what would happen had young Elian had sailed into Timmy's ass. lank lank First off, let us give you the scenario. lank lank This is young Elian(albeit, the picture is from while he is in Florida, because Castro deems his picture to be outlawed in Cuba, so we don't get to see you Elian in his natural habitat: rolling cigars and picking tobacco while learning to play Baseball and guarding the fence against the imperialist American dogs on the other side) who seems to be happy. This is a raft.  Or as the fleeing Cubans and Hatians call it a floating Caddy. And this is Sasquash.  It's Pat.  The mother of the lead character in Boys Don't Cry.  It really is Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert.  The Crying Game:  Year 2056.  The man who would be Queen.  She wants to send Elian home. The raft, escaping what would be a Gilligan's Island revist, accidently winds up in the colon of this man: lank lank   lank lank Having successfully landing deep inside Timmy's colon, the Cuban boy begins to search around and find happiness and a lot of exciting things:  the gerbil racegrounds, the Anema Dancing Fountains, and Kato Kaelin(With our trial pending, our lawyers have asked us not to say anything about that homeless bastard who keeps returning to Timmy's colon while searching for a one time gig in an adult movie. We wish he would stay the fuck out. Die, you male version of an airhead!)  Needless to say, Elian likes it. But... The hairy arm of the law decides that the Cuban boy must go back! Elian was curious. lank lank Hello, Richard Sweat again.  Unfortunately, my co-anchor has switched the copy with that of her own manefesto.  We here at Channel 4 would like to appologize for the actions of my co-anchor. ank (Heard Off Stage) Why do you keep claiming that cardboard cut-out is your co-anchor?  You haven't had a partner since '96. ank Shut up!  She is too real!  She will kill you all!! lank lank Station Editorial We here at Channel 4 would like to appologize for the actions of Richard Sweat. We actually had no idea that we had a complete psycho reporting for us.  That is what you get when you try to hire Kato Kaelin as your news producer.  The guy keeps complaining about a housing situation.  We have no further comment on this situation.  So we'll just take you to the iTimmy results.  Evidently, the most credible thing about this newscast. The iTimmy's Results lank Pain Rating: I am not programmed for Pain, Dave. Pleasure Rating: Ooooh!!  Scan my UPC code again!  Show me who the programmer REALLY is!  Show me the hard drive!!! Yes. C:\Anal Passage Does Input!!! Pain Is Pleasure Rating:   All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy. All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy. All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy. All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy. All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy. All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy. Notes: Small Cuban children sailing into computer anal cavities is illogical, captain. lank Disclaimer We Here At Mules & Vaughn and Timmy The Anal Volunteer, do not condone pedaphile actions.  In fact, we think that Michael Jackson is one sick fuck!  Thank you. lank Next Month!!! Timmy is back in action!  We promise!!! lank