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| Scenario: |
*NSync |
| Appeared: |
Web Page |
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May '00 |
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| And again we present the wacky adventures
of Timmy; the hermitic, hermaphroditic, club-footed, Legionaries Disease
carrier suffering from Tourette's syndrome that the Mules & Vaughn
staff have taken under their wing and grown to love. With just a
little prodding, (and more than a little electroshock therapy) we were
able to persuade Timmy to go for the new record(each month) in shoving
something large and unique up his ass. |
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| We at M&V wish him luck and
continued success, and may all his penetrations be pleasant ones! |
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| And we keep our fingers crossed
that he isn't injured, yet again! We can't afford to keep sending
this guy to get help! |
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spacespace
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| Hello, I am Oliver Clothesoff, following
the progress of Timmy the Anal Volunteer. As you witnessed the last
month or so, our friend the Volunteer battled back from adversity to reclaim
his position of "Professional Ass Rammer", retaking the title from Stone
Phillips. |
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| Last time (Timmy writer note: Yeah,
alright, it's been more than a month, but you come up with new and funny
stuff to jam in this fictional guy's butt month after month, plus run 12
web sites, redesign this one, not get paid, AND have to fill out that damn
census form!), Timmy inserted the new N*Sync album in his ass. However,
due to a leak within M&V, N*Sync caught wind of Timmy's escapades (a
dangerous ideal at best), and something completely screwed up happened... |
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| This is Phreak. Actually,
it is a code name. We really can't tell you WHO Phreak is, but Phreak
has an association between M&V and N*Sync of a nature unknown to us
at this time. |
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| M&V hired the guy as a gopher
when Timmy's popularity grew by leaps and bounds (We here at Mules &
Vaughn know when to eat crow, so we would like to take this time to thank
the French.) (Time's up!), especially after the near-fatal "Mazda
Anal Plunge" incident. Someone had to actually go into the room and
give Timmy aspirin and NyQuil on request; Phreak got the job. |
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| To make an odd story odder (Too
late), a "specially funded project" rebuilt Timmy's ass into the "$6.95
Ass." Now Timmy's ass had the ability to be stronger, faster, more
pose-able than the previous version. We even had word that the Chinese
attempted to steal the ass secrets, but failed. In any case, M&V
just let Bill Clinton sell the ass secrets to the Chinese anyway - to bridge
the Ass Gap. Phreak--in a fit of jealousy (and attempting to impress
Jodie Foster)-and in a way indescribable in simple Scientific, dinner-table
terms, allegedly stole Timmy's new, improved ass! He then (allegedly)
sold the ass to the boy-band N*sync... |
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| And if only the story stopped there! |
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| N*Sync is on tour this summer/early
fall, and are reaping their acquisition of Timmy's ass (REAPING, you filthy
minded maggots!). Which brings us to the main reason of this news
story; Ticketmaster, venue of sales for N*sync tickets, is tying M&V's
attempts to have Timmy's ass returned up in red tape. So, not only
do we have one stolen ass, but a band that is using it for revenge...AND
a company that is supporting their theft! |
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In a show of defiance, M&V has
declared war on Ticketmaster and their web site. Following the once
hard-line Pearl Jam philosophy of "Ticketmaster Bad, sprinkles good," M&V
have adjusted the adage a tad (seeing how the Binaural tour is being sponsored
by the advocates of evil, someone has to pick up
the torch and run with it).
So, M&V did what they know how
to do best - They shoved Ticketmaster.com up Timmy's ass! Actually,
they had to resort to using iTimmy, their virtual Timmy simulator, again.
(M&V note:The reason why we have a problem using the iTimmy, is that
it has a nasty habit of jettisoning M&Vers into outer space.
Quite an accomplishment, seeing how we are banned from all NASA facilities...)
And here's what came out: |
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| It was the webpage that gave iTimmy
the most problems. Namely, because it was programmed by bigger slapnutz
than the ones who man the phones at Ticketmaster. Who knew you could
get any dumber, without being a member of the church of Scientology.
But we did manage to get iTimmy to give us the ratings system of our old
friend Timmy the anal Volunteer. |
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| Pleasure Rating: |
| Two. The
new software allows for pain, and I should know! They recently watched
Barbarella
on my DVD player! |
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| Pain Rating: |
| Nine. The pain of service
was only amplified by the fact my hard drive now has the lyrics to "What
A Girls Wants" in five different languages. |
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| Pain is kind of Pleasurable Rating: |
| Four. No matter what kind
of pleasure an S&M freak gets from pain...waiting 20 minutes to varify
an upgrade in middle and aisle seats at a Roger Waters' cover band. NO!!! |
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| Additional Comments: |
| We don't know how to say this, but
iTimmy's disappeared. Last time, we vanquished him to places where computers
are not used, Pennsylvania, so the world(and Timmy) would be safe from
this overblown calculator. Sadly, he's loose and we don't know when
iTimmy will strike, but we do know that he will strike. |
| Next Month!!! |
| New Timmy Action!!! |
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