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timmy li

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And again we present the wacky adventures of Timmy;
the hermitic, hermaphroditic, club-footed, Legionaries
Disease carrier suffering from Tourette's syndrome that
the Mules & Vaughn staff have taken under their wing 
and grown to love.  With just a little prodding, (and more
than a little electroshock therapy) we were able to
persuade Timmy to go for the new record(each month) 
in shoving something large and unique up his ass.

We at M&V wish him luck and continued success, and
may all his penetrations be pleasant ones!

And we keep our fingers crossed that he isn't injured, 
yet again!  We can't afford to keep sending this guy to 
get help!

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Hello, I am Oliver Clothesoff, following the progress of Timmy
the Anal Volunteer.  As you witnessed the last month or so, our
friend the Volunteer battled back from adversity to 
reclaim his position of "Professional Ass Rammer", retaking
the title from Stone Phillips. 

Last time (Timmy writer note: Yeah, alright, it's been more 
than a month, but you come up with new and funny stuff to 
jam in this fictional guy's butt month after month, plus run 
12 web sites, redesign this one, not get paid, AND have to fill 
out that damn census form!), Timmy inserted the new N*Sync 
album in his ass.  However, due to a leak within M&V, N*Sync 
caught wind of Timmy's escapades (a dangerous ideal at best), and something completely screwed up happened...

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This is Phreak.  Actually, it is a code name.  We really can't 
tell you WHO Phreak is, but Phreak has an association 
between M&V and N*Sync of a nature unknown to us at this time.

M&V hired the guy as a gopher when Timmy's popularity grew 
by leaps and bounds (We here at Mules & Vaughn know 
when to eat crow, so we would like to take this time to thank 
the French.)  (Time's up!), especially after the near-fatal "Mazda 
Anal Plunge" incident.  Someone had to actually go into the 
room and give Timmy aspirin and NyQuil on request; Phreak got the job.

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To make an odd story odder (Too late), a "specially funded
project" rebuilt Timmy's ass into the "$6.95 Ass."  Now Timmy's
ass had the ability to be stronger, faster, more pose-able than
the previous version.  We even had word that the Chinese 
attempted to steal the ass secrets, but failed.  In any case, 
M&V just let Bill Clinton sell the ass secrets to the Chinese
anyway - to bridge the Ass Gap.  Phreak--in a fit of jealousy 
(and attempting to impress Jodie Foster)-and in a way 
indescribable in simple Scientific, dinner-table terms, allegedly 
stole Timmy's new, improved ass!  He then (allegedly) sold the 
ass to the boy-band N*sync...

And if only the story stopped there!

N*Sync is on tour this summer/early fall, and are reaping their 
acquisition of Timmy's ass (REAPING, you filthy minded 
maggots!).  Which brings us to the main reason of this news
story; Ticketmaster, venue of sales for N*sync tickets, is tying
M&V's attempts to have Timmy's ass returned up in red tape.
So, not only do we have one stolen ass, but a band that is 
using it for revenge...AND a company that is supporting their
theft! 

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In a show of defiance, M&V has declared war on Ticketmaster 
and their web site.  Following the once hard-line Pearl Jam 
philosophy of "Ticketmaster Bad, sprinkles good," M&V have 
adjusted the adage a tad (seeing how the Binaural tour is being 
sponsored by the advocates of evil, someone has to pick up 
the torch and run with it). 

So, M&V did what they know how to do best - 
They shoved Ticketmaster.com up Timmy's ass!  Actually, 
they had to resort to using iTimmy, their virtual Timmy 
simulator, again.  (M&V note:The reason why we have a 
problem using the iTimmy, is that it has a nasty habit of 
jettisoning M&Vers into outer space.  Quite an 
accomplishment, seeing how we are banned from all NASA 
facilities...)
And here's what came out:

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It was the webpage that gave iTimmy the most problems.
Namely, because it was programmed by bigger slapnutz than
the ones who man the phones at Ticketmaster.  Who knew you
could get any dumber, without being a member of the church
of Scientology.  But we did manage to get iTimmy to give us the
ratings system of our old friend Timmy the anal Volunteer.
 
Pleasure Rating:
The new software allows for pain, and I
should know!  They recently watched
Barbarella on my DVD player!
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Pain Rating: 9
The pain of service was only amplified
by the fact my hard drive now has the
lyrics to "What A Girls Wants" in five
different languages.
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Pain Is Kind Of 
Pleasurable Rating:a
4
No matter what kind of pleasure an
S&M freak gets from pain...waiting 20
minutes to varify an upgrade in middle
and aisle seats at a Roger Waters' 
cover band.
NO!!!
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Additional Notes:
We don't know how to say this, but iTimmy's disappeared. 
Last time, we vanquished him to places where computers are
not used, Pennsylvania, so the world(and Timmy) would be
safe from this overblown calculator.  Sadly, he's loose and we
don't know when iTimmy will strike, but we do know that he
will strike.

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