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Scenario: Mazda Death Plunge
Appeared: Website
November/Early December '99

Once again we present the wacky adventures of Timmy: The hermitic, 
hermaphroditic, club-footed Legionnaire’s Disease carrier suffering from Tourette’s
syndrome that The Mules & Vaughn staff have taken under their wing and grown 
to love.  With just a little prodding, (and more than a little electroshock therapy) we
were able to persuade Timmy to go for the record in shoving something 
Large and unique up his ass.  We at M&V wish him luck and continued success,
and may all his penetrations be pleasant ones! 
 

This Issue’s Featured Object:
The Death Defying Mazda Anal Plunge!

We interrupt your normal page reading to bring you the following...
This is Oliver Clothesoff for CNNSESAMESESTREET, reporting to you live from 
the scene of one of the world's worst disasters!  Not since the Mondale campaign 
of '84 has someone taken it in the ass as badly as Timmy Johannson.   Timmy, 
a "resident" of the Shady Pines Home of Greater Wisconsin was drastically
injured while pulling off a stunt for his normal activity, a part-time employee of 
Mules & Vaughn.
 

 The Steps This Was 
 Supposed To Work Out
 Properly
 The stunt was to have an '87
 Mazda pickup truck dropped
 into Timmy's rectum via 
 the use of a crane and some
 quote magic faerie dust
 end quote.  At this time,
 we don't have full details on
 what this dust may be, but 
 our testers say it was some 
 good stuff, whatever it may be.

When this reporter tried to contact Mules & Vaughn for a report, all I could do was
be ignored and even threatened by various staff members.  However, I was able to
obtain a secret M&V office memo, secretly written on company letterhead from the
Jackass Acres Bar & Grill of New River, Arizona.  The memo may shock you; so, if you have a weak anus or are a complete retard, you may want to click here.

The memo is hand scrawled, and if you translate it...you will see that someone  wanted to end the career of Timmy, The Anal Volunteer.

Dear (Name Protected),
      We here at Mules & Vaughn wanted to greatly appreciate your involvement with
Timmy the Anal Volunteer and all of his endeavors.  However, we are not currently
seeking future replacements for our anal wunderkind at this time.  We've put your
resume on file, and will get back to you in a drunken stupor when we find it
necessary to a) replace Timmy or b) supplement him by having  an anal wunderkind
apprentices.  Also, thank you for your idea about having a webcam surgically placed
inside his colon, so we can keep tabs on what is going on.

Signed,
    Richard Head
    Vice President Of Internal Affairs

P.S.  There will be no Timmy.com in the foreseeable future.  Sorry.

Now, to the untrained and naked eye, this is just a fan letter that was written at 
some yokel bar in Buttnowhere, Arizona.  But to the caffine-intense, Oliver Stone
conspiracy yahoo that I am, I have uncovered what may shock you.  The truth. 
Perhaps.  But, this is just one man's opinions in a nightmarish world we call, the
EZine.

Dear (Name Protected),
   We here at Mules & Vaughn wanted to greatly appreciate your involvement with Timmy the Anal Volunteer and all of his endeavors.  However, we are not currently seeking future replacements for our anal wunderkind at this time. We've put your resume on file, and will get back to you in a drunken stupor when we find it necessary to a) replace Timmy or b) supplement him by having an anal wunderkind apprentices.  Also, thank you for your idea about having a webcam surgically placed inside his colon, so we can keep tabs on what is going on.

Signed,
    Richard Head
    Vice President Of Internal Affairs

P.S.  There will be no Timmy.com in the forseeable future.  Sorry.

If you still can't make it out, it says: 

We here at mules & Vaughn wanted to  kill him.  We've put effort into this.

It's quite apparent that someone within the  Mules & Vaughn global empire wanted 
to kill Timmy.  Why?  Well, it might be  speculation about the Y2K bug and how it
will prevent Elvis from walking the Earth like Caine.  Or it just maybe this is another 
Dateline episode with the exploding GMC trucks.  We don't know at this time. 
But, damn, if this doesn't get a Pulitzer or something.

I'm going to end this report by quoting Timmy Johannson:

This has been Timmy...and I'll see you...In My Colon!

This reporter has to wonder, why this happened...and if and when we can see 
Timmy back in action?

This is Oliver Clothesoff From Phoenix, Arizona for CNNSESAMESESTREET.

We here at Mules & Vaughn are in shock over these turn of events, and our
worries(we here don't believe in the Judo-Christian religions, more so in the belief of
Elvis...so our Pelvic thrusts and hip shakes) go out to whomever wants to come
forward and claim Timmy as a family member.  All emails should be directed to 
here:  timmyanal@hotmail.com

But we were able to get a few statements from Timmy before he was Airvac'ed to a nearby hospital.

Pleasure Rating:
   Off the fucking scale!

Pain Rating:
   If I could see... through the tears... and haze of red...I'd probably
   score it high,... but then,... the WHOLE truck... never made it in....

Pain is kind of Pleasurable Rating:
   If this is my last act... as an anal volunteer....  then I have not died in vain... 
   I see think I've never felt so... good....FUCKING WINDSHIELD WIPERS ARE
   BATTING MY ASS!  FUCKING HURTS, MAN!!!

Additional Comments: Unfortunately, we don't have a next month planned. 
We totally didn't see Timmy landing in the hospital like he did.  Keep looking back
here to see what we will be able to do.
 

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