Scenario: Elian via iTimmy
Appeared: Volume XIV
Issue No.  1

And again we present the wacky adventures of Timmy; the hermitic, hermaphroditic,
club-footed, Legionaries Disease carrier suffering from Tourette's syndrome that the
Mules & Vaughn staff have taken under their wing and grown to love.  With just a 
little prodding, (and more than a little electroshock therapy) we were able to 
persuade Timmy to go for the new record(each month) in shoving something large
and unique up his ass.

We at M&V wish him luck and continued success, and may all his penetrations be
pleasant ones!

This Month's Item
A Timmy Update!  And An Announcement...

Hello, and welcome to Channel 4 News,
I'm Richard Sweat, and as always, my
co-host for this evening is a nicely 
dressed stalker.

The last week have brought some
exciting news to those fans of Timmy
the Anal Volunteer.  If you didn't know, 
he has been released from the hospital
and cleared to resume his normal
activities.  For more on the situation, we
go live to Oliver Clothesoff who is in
Miami, Florida.

Thanks Richard!  I'm in Miami, Florida right now, where Timmy has
begun a "spring training" if you will.  Here at the Gary Busey
Clinic for Repetitive Addictions, Timmy has been training day in 
and day out.  Inserting and removing items from his ass.  We 
recently spoke to a trainer, who bragged that Timmy can now take
things as large as a grapefruit inside of him without hemorrhaging.
There are strong hopes that Timmy can resume his normal 
activities come February at the earliest.  Reporting from Miami, 
Florida, this is Oliver Clothesoff for Channel 4 News.
In other news, the U.S. Government is 
still torn on what to do with the Cuban raft
boy who we don't want to send home yet.
However, with our on-going coverage of
Timmy The Anal Volunteer, we have to

How would this situation be confronted
if the Cuban boy sailed into Timmy's
ass?  Now, we're are news gathering 
entity, and not two perverted people 
sitting at a desk who don't wear pants
and one of us is highly medicated due to
what their parole officer claims
"acceptable."  Pssst.  It ain't me!

Anyway, through modern technology and the lonely 17 year old Y2K expert we
still have locked in the basement, we have created iTimmy G3, a virtual reality
based program that would help us determine what would happen had young
Elian had sailed into Timmy's ass.

First off, let us give you the scenario.

This is young Elian(albeit, the picture is from while he is in Florida, because Castro deems his picture to be outlawed in
Cuba, so we don't get to see you Elian in his natural habitat:
rolling cigars and picking tobacco while learning to play
Baseball and guarding the fence against the imperialist 
American dogs on the other side) who seems to be happy.
This is a raft.  Or as the fleeing Cubans and Hatians call it
a floating Caddy.
And this is Sasquash.  It's Pat.  The mother of the lead
character in Boys Don't Cry.  It really is Priscilla, Queen 
Of The Desert.  The Crying Game:  Year 2056.  The man
who would be Queen.  She wants to send Elian home.
The raft, escaping what would be a Gilligan's Island revist,
accidently winds up in the colon of this man:
The part of Timmy will be played by Harvey Firestein for this endeveour.
Having successfully landing deep inside Timmy's colon, the Cuban
boy begins to search around and find happiness and a lot of 
exciting things:  the gerbil racegrounds, the Anema Dancing 
Fountains, and Kato Kaelin(With our trial pending, our lawyers
have asked us not to say anything about that homeless bastard
who keeps returning to Timmy's colon while searching for a one
time gig in an adult movie. We wish he would stay the fuck out.
Die, you male version of an airhead!)  Needless to say, Elian likes


The hairy arm of the law decides that the Cuban boy must go
Elian was curious.
Hello, Richard Sweat again.  Un-
fortunately, my co-anchor has switched
the copy with that of her own manefesto.
We here at Channel 4 would like to
appologize for the actions of my 

(Heard Off Stage)
Why do you keep claiming that cardboard
cut-out is your co-anchor?  You haven't 
had a partner since '96.

Shut up!  She is too real!  She will kill
you all!!

Station Editorial
We here at Channel 4 would like to appologize for the actions of Richard Sweat.
We actually had no idea that we had a complete psycho reporting for us.  That is
what you get when you try to hire Kato Kaelin as your news producer.  The guy
keeps complaining about a housing situation.  We have no further comment on
this situation.  So we'll just take you to the iTimmy results.  Evidently, the most
credible thing about this newscast.

The iTimmy's Results

Pain Rating I am not programmed for Pain, Dave.
Pleasure Rating Ooooh!!  Scan my UPC code again!  Show me who the
programmer REALLY is!  Show me the hard drive!!!
Yes. C:\Anal Passage Does Input!!!
Pain Is Pleasure Rating   All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
Notes Small Cuban children sailing into computer anal cavities
is illogical, captain.
  We Here At Mules & Vaughn and Timmy The Anal Volunteer, do not condone
  pedaphile actions.  In fact, we think that Michael Jackson is one sick fuck!
  Thank you.

 Next Month!!!

      Timmy is back in action!  We promise!!!