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Scenario: |
Elian via iTimmy |
Appeared: |
Volume XIV |
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Issue No. 1 |
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And again we present the
wacky adventures of Timmy; the hermitic, hermaphroditic,
club-footed, Legionaries
Disease carrier suffering from Tourette's syndrome that the
Mules & Vaughn staff
have taken under their wing and grown to love. With just a
little prodding, (and more
than a little electroshock therapy) we were able to
persuade Timmy to go for
the new record(each month) in shoving something large
and unique up his ass.
We at M&V wish him luck
and continued success, and may all his penetrations be
pleasant ones!
This Month's Item
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Hello,
and welcome to Channel 4 News,
I'm Richard Sweat, and as
always, my
co-host for this evening
is a nicely
dressed stalker.
The last week have brought
some
exciting news to those fans
of Timmy
the Anal Volunteer.
If you didn't know,
he has been released from
the hospital
and cleared to resume his
normal
activities. For more
on the situation, we
go live to Oliver Clothesoff
who is in
Miami, Florida. |
 |
Thanks
Richard! I'm in Miami, Florida right now, where Timmy has
begun a "spring training"
if you will. Here at the Gary Busey
Clinic for Repetitive Addictions,
Timmy has been training day in
and day out. Inserting
and removing items from his ass. We
recently spoke to a trainer,
who bragged that Timmy can now take
things as large as a grapefruit
inside of him without hemorrhaging.
There are strong hopes that
Timmy can resume his normal
activities come February
at the earliest. Reporting from Miami,
Florida, this is Oliver
Clothesoff for Channel 4 News. |
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In
other news, the U.S. Government is
still torn on what to do
with the Cuban raft
boy who we don't want to
send home yet.
However, with our on-going
coverage of
Timmy The Anal Volunteer,
we have to
ask.
How would this situation
be confronted
if the Cuban boy sailed
into Timmy's
ass? Now, we're are
news gathering
entity, and not two perverted
people
sitting at a desk who don't
wear pants
and one of us is highly
medicated due to
what their parole officer
claims
"acceptable." Pssst.
It ain't me! |
Anyway, through modern
technology and the lonely 17 year old Y2K expert we
still have locked in the
basement, we have created iTimmy G3, a virtual reality
based program that would
help us determine what would happen had young
Elian had sailed into Timmy's
ass.
First off, let us give you
the scenario.
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This is young Elian(albeit,
the picture is from while he is in Florida, because Castro deems his picture
to be outlawed in
Cuba, so we don't get to
see you Elian in his natural habitat:
rolling cigars and picking
tobacco while learning to play
Baseball and guarding the
fence against the imperialist
American dogs on the other
side) who seems to be happy. |
 |
This is a raft. Or
as the fleeing Cubans and Hatians call it
a floating Caddy. |
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And this is Sasquash.
It's Pat. The mother of the lead
character in Boys Don't
Cry. It really is Priscilla, Queen
Of The Desert.
The Crying Game: Year 2056. The man
who would be Queen.
She wants to send Elian home. |
 |
The raft, escaping what
would be a Gilligan's Island revist,
accidently winds up in the
colon of this man: |
 |
Hello,
Richard Sweat again. Un-
fortunately, my co-anchor
has switched
the copy with that of her
own manefesto.
We here at Channel 4 would
like to
appologize for the actions
of my
co-anchor.
(Heard Off Stage)
Why do you keep claiming
that cardboard
cut-out is your co-anchor?
You haven't
had a partner since '96.
Shut up! She is too
real! She will kill
you all!! |
Station Editorial
We here at Channel 4 would like
to appologize for the actions of Richard Sweat.
We actually had no idea
that we had a complete psycho reporting for us. That is
what you get when you try
to hire Kato Kaelin as your news producer. The guy
keeps complaining about
a housing situation. We have no further comment on
this situation. So
we'll just take you to the iTimmy results. Evidently, the most
credible thing about this
newscast. |
The iTimmy's Results
Pain
Rating |
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I am not programmed for
Pain, Dave. |
Pleasure
Rating |
|
Ooooh!! Scan my UPC
code again! Show me who the
programmer REALLY is!
Show me the hard drive!!!
Yes. C:\Anal Passage Does
Input!!! |
Pain
Is Pleasure Rating |
|
All Cuban Boys & No
Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No
Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No
Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No
Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No
Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy.
All Cuban Boys & No
Play Makes iTimmy A Dull Boy. |
Notes |
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Small Cuban children sailing
into computer anal cavities
is illogical, captain. |
Disclaimer
We
Here At Mules & Vaughn and Timmy The Anal Volunteer,
do not condone
pedaphile actions. In fact, we think that Michael Jackson is one
sick fuck!
Thank you.
Next Month!!!
Timmy is back in action! We promise!!!
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